I have always known that someday I would write a memoir. Well, maybe not always, but certainly in the last 15 years. What I didn’t know was that going to have to stumble through writing this story while trying to save myself. Learning the concepts of moral injury and trauma refocused my perspective of myself, my mental and emotional obstacles, and clarified the purpose behind some of my thoughts and behaviors. But before we get to those pieces of the book, let me give a quick recap of what has brought me to this point.
I am a veteran, and yes, that is important to my story. I deployed twice as a medic and absolutely saw absolutely horrible things. But that is a very small piece of the torment and emotional anguish that has gotten me to this point. The darkest and deepest fracture of this type of injury occurs far after the trauma itself. It grows with every painful moment, every situation that leaves you feeling defeated, and every morning that you wake up when you hoped that you wouldn’t. Unlike some other categories of psychological struggles, this one seems to be dismissed to make room for its sister diagnoses: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression and anxiety disorders, etc. It is difficult to explain to everyone you meet that you are in the midst of a moral crisis that questions your very values, so it always falls back on the old PTSD. Easier to explain, no one questions it, they thank you for your service, and they might pitch a couple hundred bucks at a charity for veterans. Simple, easy, and no need to get into anything emotional or existential that make other people uncomfortable.
After I was diagnosed with (pretty obvious) PTSD, I left the military, and pursued another career choice: Social Work. I would spend the next few years taking the same meds every day, trying to find ways to cope with an incredibly dark and very present sense of shame. Not just guilt. Guilt visited on occasion, but this is very different. As we all are learning (Seriously thankful for Brene Brown), shame is a totally different animal. I would sit through my social work classes, look around at other students, and think to myself, “Something must be wrong with me. Learning about all this social work-y stuff is making me feel like a hypocrite”. It wasn’t until I had almost hit what I would say, the last few branches before a pretty devastating fall, that I learned about moral trauma. And just in time.
My vision for this book is to take you through a reconstruction of my moral identity. This doesn’t necessarily mean that all parts of my morality are going to be ripped apart, demolished, and built up brand new. Hopefully, some things can stay, because they are good, healthy, and just need to be noticed, shined up, and given a little attention. However, others may need to be set on fire with gasoline and burned to the ground. But my hope is that others out there, like me, that have been treated for PTSD exclusively and feel that there is a very substantial struggle that never is alleviated, that we can find a new sense of self after a trauma to our identity.
Please don’t stop reading because you were diagnosed with PTSD that is not due to combat. You will find that we all have similar struggles regardless of the source of our trauma, and I do not consider my personal experience of trauma to be the worst, the most relatable, or the most damaging. However, I do consider my trauma to be substantial enough to take you on this journey with me. I think that often, while we each experience various traumatic moments in our lives, I believe that there is power in sharing our story for the collective purpose of society. I want to empower others to reconstruct their own moral identity and realize that we are more powerful in our vulnerability and transparency. I hope that we can recognize that we can create and re-create ourselves, and that we are not confined to our historical idea of who we are.
Strength in Empathy 